i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
