My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
