I can tuck mytits in my pants
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
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