he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
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