I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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