i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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