last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
