You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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