what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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