who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
