we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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