smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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