Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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