Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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