Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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