your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
i've created a new STD.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
