If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
