sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
