My liver just broke up with me...
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
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