I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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