she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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