I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize