..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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