Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
