You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
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