I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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