sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
