i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
