Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
We're too hungover to prance.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
