After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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