Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
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