I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
