And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
