alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
