He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I could fuck to npr.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
