Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
