Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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