Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
