Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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