my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
