I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize