what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Randomize
