she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
