you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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