I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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