She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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