So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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