They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize