Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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