Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
