I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
