i was born a porn star she said
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Randomize
