You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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