I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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