she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
