If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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