I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize