dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
My ATM looks so different sober.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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