Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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