I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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