my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
